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Friday, December 4, 2015

In Over My Head

Earlier this year I watched my friend experience one of the hardest things in her life:  she lost her baby at 33 weeks (I was only 3 weeks behind her in my pregnancy with Scarlett).  It was heart wrenching and excruciating to say the least.  I got to be with her in the early stages of them inducing her at the hospital and experiencing that - stepping into her world with her, even if only for an hour, was really special and brought us even closer together.  Singing at her beautiful, perfect, tiny, baby boy's funeral was one of the hardest things I have done.  No one should ever see a casket that small.  Watching the family's raw emotion through the songs and service as they said goodbye to a life that they had excitedly anticipated was gut wrenching.

On the day that we learned they had lost their baby boy, I heard this song for the first time:  In Over My Head by Bethel Worship.  I heard that song and just cried.  Something about the lyrics just clung to me in those weeks of walking through this - weeks of grieving and feeling helpless to provide the support that a hurting friend desperately needed, weeks of not understanding grief and not knowing how to help or what to say and weeks of not being the friend that I needed to be.

I have come to this place in my life
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to

I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head


What you don't know is that I have been going through a pretty rough grieving period of my own the last few months (which is why I have been pretty MIA on the blog front). I had never experienced true grief before this and let me just say:  it is very real, and big and crazy and scary.  I have been on an emotional journey - a part of me saying goodbye and letting go - that I don't want to be on but there is nothing I can do about it.  It's a pretty helpless feeling.

I am so thankful that I have Jesus during times like these!  That I can trust in a God who is good and is for my good in everything.   Clinging to the fact that I know He is sovereign and nothing in my life is an accident is a huge rock for me.  I honestly don't know how I would do this without Him and knowing these things.  It's okay to be in over my head because its not up to me - its up to Him and nothing is over His head.

I have witnessed the power of His redeeming hand at work the last few months and my view of Him is growing by leaps and bounds.  Watching Him create life out of ashes is an awe inspiring thing and He is showing me that no one is beyond His reach.  No situation is beyond his ability to restore and redeem.  The question is not:  "Can God redeem"?  He is perfectly able and willing.  The question therefore is:  "Are you willing to let Him"?  That is amazing to me.  It's one thing to know these things - but to experience them firsthand is life-changing.

I am starting to cycle through and come to the other side some - to find my new "normal" and to even laugh and experience joy.  You have to even when you think that you can't.  I have two little ones who are so dependent on me and life doesn't stop even if it feels like it is over.

Jesus has been so incredibly tender with me the last few months and there have been some really sweet moments along the way.  I feel so incredibly grateful that He gives us what we don't deserve.

Eventually I do want to get this blog up and running again.  For now I am going to be taking my time and really re-focusing on what Jesus would have me do with this.  I love you all - thank you for letting me share a little of what has been going on with me.  I hope you enjoy this Christmas Season with your loved ones.  A little baby came - specifically for you....for me, in the greatest Love story of all time.  He came with a mission to redeem us to Himself and I am so, so thankful that He specializes in redeeming everything about our lives - not just our salvation.

Here is the song if you want to take a listen:



Merry Christmas!

Joy

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing this beautiful song...It brought me to tears. I loved when you said "It's okay to be in over my head because its not up to me - its up to Him and nothing is over His head." It is so true and grief is so powerful that I think a lot of people naturally start to feel overwhelmed or alone if you forget about Him. I'm sending prayers and love your way! I think about you often and love seeing pictures of you and your beautiful family. <3 G

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